Habits for a Better Life

I'm a substitute teacher in a county that lacks the resources it needs to do much beyond corralling the kids for 8 hours a day.  I was lucky enough to land the coveted long-term sub position when a teacher allegedly injured a student.  I know the teacher; I know the student.  I came in liking the teacher and mistrusting the student.  Now I'm considering leaving with my respect for the teacher greatly diminished, and my fondness for the student surprisingly blossomed.

Me: I'm impressed by your sensitivity to the nuances of bias and race.

Student with a surprisingly historical name: Yeah well my mom was a Black Panther.  No, psych.

The teacher, I have come to learn, put these kids at a disadvantage when she gave them the option to sit on the bad side of room.  The bad side - you don't have to work or learn, let alone be quiet or respectful.  I wouldn't allow that of course, and I'm paying for it.

It's worth it.  And I'll explain that someday.

In the meantime, the stress of the commute, the low pay, and the mortgage and the rent that I can't afford means that it's quickly becoming apparent that I shouldn't keep doing this anymore.

I've been trying to improve things.  Too many nights I've come home, wallowed in my depression, and done damage to my body and to my relationships.  Too often, I squander the time I used to defend so fiercely.  So I began to change my daily habits one at a time.  I returned to flossing, to using my neti pot, to cleaning my face with oils, to studying, and to meditating.  This week I'll return to real exercise and to reading.

But maybe it's not enough.  Maybe it's time to be bold enough to walk away from something that's doing so little good and that holds no potential beyond a few more stressful days. 

I don't want to work this far from home.  I don't want to lose 2-3 hours a day in my car, surrounded by other people desperate to get home, so that I can search in vain for a parking space, before finally wedging my car between two jerks who think taking up a spot and a half is the best way to protect their junkers just to find a threatening note on my windshield in the morning.

I actually tried to quit yesterday, but I went to the office and found it empty.  I couldn't even find an administrator to quit to.  That's in keeping with the spirit of the place I suppose.

The real habit I need to consider is the one I have of worrying about the future to the point of trapping myself in a place that will assuredly lead to a subpar future.